I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant.
Wow, that feels so good to openly say it. Such an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders to have it out in the open.
I'm not just pregnant. I'm 18 weeks pregnant. And in a week from tomorrow, I'll have the size/growth/anatomy ultrasound to find out if the baby is healthy and, more importantly, whether it's a boy or a girl (girl!). The baby flutters have turned into real movement.
I've known since August 6th that I was pregnant.
Looking at that plus sign on the stick was not necessarily a shock, because we knew that we had gone through a moment of laxed judgement a few weeks earlier. But confirming our fears was still shocking.
Yes, I was depressed. And stressed.
So, I didn't tell many people right away.
I had to adjust to the news.
The first person I told was Kevin. He didn't believe me. Let me rephrase that, he didn't want to believe me. And when I asked him, "What are we gonna do?" He easily responded, "I guess we're gonna have a baby." Duh.
Then I emailed Amy because I had to see it in writing. Putting it into writing made it real. She called me to discuss the holy shit no effing way news but I wasn't ready for a discussion.
Slowly we told various immediate family members.
Everyone was shocked, but excited. I thought Kevin's parents were going to cry when we told them. (They're so sweet). And my sister, holy cannoli, I thought she was never going to stop splashing me, she definitely had the most excited reaction (she LOVES pregnancy and babies).
The person that I dreaded telling was Jordyn. I knew she was not going to be happy. And she wasn't. Her reaction surprised me, though. She cried. But her reasons for crying were so real and raw. When I asked her what she was feeling, she explained that she is already the odd man out in the family. And adding another baby to the mix that looked like me and Kev and Liam and Owen, was just one more person that DIDN'T look like her. My heart just broke. Then when she and I both expressed that we hoped it was a girl, she cried again. This time because she said she felt like I wanted to replace her, and that she wasn't a good enough daughter. I told her that it made me sad that she felt this way, but after all, feelings are feelings and we can't help feeling a certain way. So, it was perfectly OK for her to have these feelings. I told her how beautiful she is and how much she DOES look like me (no, that's not meant to be a self-compliment) and that we could NEVER replace her and that when we had Owen it wasn't because we felt like we needed to replace Liam. But, in the end, she was still not excited about the news. And I told her that was OK. When I first learned about the news, I wasn't excited either. I told her that I hoped she would soon come to be excited about it. And indeed, she has.
Just like the rest of us. Kev, the boys, and even I have become excited about this new addition to the family.
But, it still took me a while to want to openly discuss it.
I just wasn't ready for all of the baby talk. Crib, diapers, high chairs, car seats, loss of freedom.
We were done with babies. DONE. But apparently not anymore.
As the weeks went by, I had to tell certain people. People that we partied with and who KNEW to suspect something if I wasn't drinking. Heather not have a glass of wine? HUH? Unheard of.
When we had parties at home, I poured POM blueberry pomegranate juice in a wine glass when no one was looking so that it looked like I was drinking wine and no one would be suspicious.
I also had to tell my Hottchicks work out group. How could I chronicle my fitness goals, weight loss (or gain), and NOT tell them? It explained so much.
Because my eggs are older now (my doctor's quote, not mine....thanks Dr. Powell!) my risk of miscarriage in the first trimester was greater. So, that was another (minor) thing that kept me from shouting it from the rooftops.
But, the first trimester came and went, we heard the heartbeat and saw the baby blob on the ultrasound more than once (and confirmed that there indeed was only ONE little bun in the oven). And other than a couple of weeks of nausea (for which my doctor gave me vitamin B suckers) and the depression (the doctor didn't have any suckers for that), everything was looking just fine.
So, little by little, I told more and more people. And, I kept adjusting to the news. But still, not everyone knew....namely work people.
You see, there's this little thing called a crappy economy right now, and the project I'm on at work was having a bit of upheaval. I didn't want work to know because I didn't want them to look at my pregnancy as a liability and therefore not give me assignments (although I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and if it's not illegal, it should be). Be careful what you wish for, I ended up getting MORE work assigned! But, that's OK. In today's environment, as a consultant, you HAVE to be billable or else your neck will be on the WFR chopping block in a heartbeat. And with Kevin unemployed since January and a baby on the way, we definitely can't have me without a job.
Hence the stress.
I finally told the project bosses about my "situation" on Thursday (it's getting quite physically obvious). And on Friday, I told my HR manager (who lives in PA, and I never ever see him, so I could have technically "gotten away with" not telling him until I delivered, but come on, that's not right). And after they all said CONGRATULATIONS!! I graciously said thank you, and then I said "Well, it definitely wasn't a planned event, but please don't let that reflect on my ability to plan a project!!" ha ha ha
So, the weight is lifted. People know.
I'm OK to talk about it.
I've accepted the news.
And you know what? I'm excited.
I really, really am excited.