Alive and Kicking

Warning, this is a post about being pregnant, a subject which I may post more of now that the news is out in the open. So, if you don't want to hear about being pregnant...stop reading.

Let me just tell you, Liam is going to make a very good husband some day. He is so in tune with the baby in my belly. Even though my belly isn't HUGE (yet) he's constantly rubbing my belly, or just placing his hands on my belly. He talks to the baby. Tells the baby good morning, good night, hello, and good bye. He is all about the baby in the belly.

So, I made a prediction that (next to me, of course) Liam would be the first person to feel the baby move. And the baby has been moving more and more as the days go by.

Yesterday morning, as I was lying in bed, dreading getting up, Kevin had his hand on my stomach. (Kevin rarely touches me, unless, you know, he's touching me.)

Anyway, the baby moved. And, it's not the kind of movement where you can see the belly move along with baby's movements. It's much more subtle right now.

Me: "Did you feel that? The baby moved!"

He didn't feel it.

A minute later, the baby moved again. I was debating whether or not to ask Kev the same question when he said, "I felt that!"

So, my prediction was incorrect.

Kevin was the first one to feel the baby move.

And Liam is now determined, more than ever, to be the next.

I'm Pregnant

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant.

Wow, that feels so good to openly say it. Such an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders to have it out in the open.

I'm not just pregnant. I'm 18 weeks pregnant. And in a week from tomorrow, I'll have the size/growth/anatomy ultrasound to find out if the baby is healthy and, more importantly, whether it's a boy or a girl (girl!). The baby flutters have turned into real movement.

I've known since August 6th that I was pregnant.

Looking at that plus sign on the stick was not necessarily a shock, because we knew that we had gone through a moment of laxed judgement a few weeks earlier. But confirming our fears was still shocking.

And depressing.

Yes, I was depressed. And stressed.

So, I didn't tell many people right away.

I had to adjust to the news.

The first person I told was Kevin. He didn't believe me. Let me rephrase that, he didn't want to believe me. And when I asked him, "What are we gonna do?" He easily responded, "I guess we're gonna have a baby." Duh.

Then I emailed Amy because I had to see it in writing. Putting it into writing made it real. She called me to discuss the holy shit no effing way news but I wasn't ready for a discussion.

Slowly we told various immediate family members.

Everyone was shocked, but excited. I thought Kevin's parents were going to cry when we told them. (They're so sweet). And my sister, holy cannoli, I thought she was never going to stop splashing me, she definitely had the most excited reaction (she LOVES pregnancy and babies).

The person that I dreaded telling was Jordyn. I knew she was not going to be happy. And she wasn't. Her reaction surprised me, though. She cried. But her reasons for crying were so real and raw. When I asked her what she was feeling, she explained that she is already the odd man out in the family. And adding another baby to the mix that looked like me and Kev and Liam and Owen, was just one more person that DIDN'T look like her. My heart just broke. Then when she and I both expressed that we hoped it was a girl, she cried again. This time because she said she felt like I wanted to replace her, and that she wasn't a good enough daughter. I told her that it made me sad that she felt this way, but after all, feelings are feelings and we can't help feeling a certain way. So, it was perfectly OK for her to have these feelings. I told her how beautiful she is and how much she DOES look like me (no, that's not meant to be a self-compliment) and that we could NEVER replace her and that when we had Owen it wasn't because we felt like we needed to replace Liam. But, in the end, she was still not excited about the news. And I told her that was OK. When I first learned about the news, I wasn't excited either. I told her that I hoped she would soon come to be excited about it. And indeed, she has.

Just like the rest of us. Kev, the boys, and even I have become excited about this new addition to the family.

But, it still took me a while to want to openly discuss it.

I just wasn't ready for all of the baby talk. Crib, diapers, high chairs, car seats, loss of freedom.

We were done with babies. DONE. But apparently not anymore.

As the weeks went by, I had to tell certain people. People that we partied with and who KNEW to suspect something if I wasn't drinking. Heather not have a glass of wine? HUH? Unheard of.

When we had parties at home, I poured POM blueberry pomegranate juice in a wine glass when no one was looking so that it looked like I was drinking wine and no one would be suspicious.

I also had to tell my Hottchicks work out group. How could I chronicle my fitness goals, weight loss (or gain), and NOT tell them? It explained so much.

Because my eggs are older now (my doctor's quote, not mine....thanks Dr. Powell!) my risk of miscarriage in the first trimester was greater. So, that was another (minor) thing that kept me from shouting it from the rooftops.

But, the first trimester came and went, we heard the heartbeat and saw the baby blob on the ultrasound more than once (and confirmed that there indeed was only ONE little bun in the oven). And other than a couple of weeks of nausea (for which my doctor gave me vitamin B suckers) and the depression (the doctor didn't have any suckers for that), everything was looking just fine.

So, little by little, I told more and more people. And, I kept adjusting to the news. But still, not everyone knew....namely work people.

You see, there's this little thing called a crappy economy right now, and the project I'm on at work was having a bit of upheaval. I didn't want work to know because I didn't want them to look at my pregnancy as a liability and therefore not give me assignments (although I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and if it's not illegal, it should be). Be careful what you wish for, I ended up getting MORE work assigned! But, that's OK. In today's environment, as a consultant, you HAVE to be billable or else your neck will be on the WFR chopping block in a heartbeat. And with Kevin unemployed since January and a baby on the way, we definitely can't have me without a job.

Hence the stress.

I finally told the project bosses about my "situation" on Thursday (it's getting quite physically obvious). And on Friday, I told my HR manager (who lives in PA, and I never ever see him, so I could have technically "gotten away with" not telling him until I delivered, but come on, that's not right). And after they all said CONGRATULATIONS!! I graciously said thank you, and then I said "Well, it definitely wasn't a planned event, but please don't let that reflect on my ability to plan a project!!" ha ha ha

So, the weight is lifted. People know.

I'm OK to talk about it.

I've accepted the news.

I've adjusted.

And you know what? I'm excited.

I really, really am excited.

I'm pregnant!!!

My Five

In my favorites, I have SEVERAL scrapbooky blogs bookmarked, I'd say probably 40 ish (OK, more like 50). And then I have about 20 general (or "mommy") blogs bookmarked. That's not to mention the dozen or so friends/ScRap SiStaZ blogs that I have linked to my own blogs. And, I'm just not savvy enough to use the Google Reader function which tells you when updates have been made to each blog. And perusing through 80+ blogs every day is just way too time consuming.

So, recently, I've had to simplify. And I now have five blogs that I check almost every day.

Some are scrapbooky, others are not. Just thought I'd share "My Five", in no particular order.

1. http://ashleygailey.typepad.com/ - No one "famous" (although her scrapbook layouts have been published in some magazines!!) But, the way she writes just cracks me up. And the layouts that she shares are SPECTACULAR. She lives in Southeast Michigan, and I hope to bump into her one day because I just *know* we'd be instant friends.
2. http://www.cathyzielske.typepad.com/ - Cathy Zielske, Simple Scrapbook legend, scrapbook celebrity/royalty. Not only is she wicked talented, she's quirky and witty and just so much fun to keep up with.
3. http://www.dooce.com/ - NOT a scrapbooker, but she does take and post some fun photos. Her name is Heather something and she's some sort of mommy blogging ex-Mormon media mogul. Or something like that. Imagine making a LIVING (a GOOD living) just from blogging!!
4. http://www.elizabethkartchner.blogspot.com/ - Elizabeth Kartchner was a Creating Keepsakes Scrapbooker of the Year (I think in 2007). She is just so sweet and creative and absolutely amazing. It's almost nauseating how perfect her little life seems and I just love soaking in a small fraction of her zest for life through her blog.
5. http://www.mattlogelin.com/ - Matt Logelin lost his wife (and highschool sweetheart), Liz, almost two years ago, only 27 hours after she delivered their first baby via C-section (she never even held her daughter!). I've been reading his blog since the very beginning and his style of writing and his photography is just so engaging. I couldn't imagine that kind of tragedy and you can tell that his blog is definitely therapeutic for him. His daughter is adorable and the online community that has sprung up around him is amazing.

Of course, there are other celebrity scrap blogs that I visit frequently, Stacy Julian, Ali Edwards, Lisa Bearnson, and Becky Higgins. And many others that I visit regularly. Just not "every day" like I do with my top five.

Oh, and I couldn't leave you with out linking two of my other favorite mommy bloggers (good lord, I hate that term, but I don't know what else to call them), Classy Chaos (who loves fashion and her children almost equally) and the NieNie Dialogues (who was severely burned in a plane crash a year and some change ago - which gives appreciation for life and counting your blessings a whole new meaning).

Enjoy!

Am I a Reject?

I've been going through a bit of my own drama lately. Drama that caused me to be borderline depressed for close to a month, and certifiably depressed for about a week.


Anyone that knows me (even remotely well) knows that I avoid drama like the plague. Some people (OK, many people) are drama magnets. Me? I'm the polar opposite. A drama repellent, of sorts.

So, when I experience my own drama, I tend to cocoon myself in it. Isolate myself. Alienate others. Basically, I don't want my drama bug to rub off on anyone else. Nor do I want anyone else to see that I'm (GASP!!) less than perfect.

And, that's kind of what I've done with this latest episode of drama.

Although, now that I've emerged from the drama, (well, the drama is still there but my acceptance of it has allowed me to move past it), but now that I've emerged from the raw emotions of the drama, I'm finding myself somewhat alone.

Did I alienate people too much? Am I a reject?

All of this introspection has made me realize that I want to work on being a better friend. So, that, maybe, when another episode of drama sets in (Heaven forbid), I won't find myself in this same lonely situation when the emotions of that new drama subside.

So, what better way to figure out how to be a better friend than to GOOGLE "how to be a better friend"??

There are numerous blogs and articles out there on this subject, which makes me feel slightly less like a reject knowing that so many other people ponder this topic.

One of the first things that hit me was that many of the articles stressed the importance of quality of relationships over quantity. I've battled this topic in the past. I used to think that I had to be friends with and get to know everyone and to invite everyone to everything and I would feel bad if I didn't get invited to something, even if the event was being hosted by someone I barely knew. So, a couple of years ago, I came to the conclusion that "I've got enough friends already." This attitude worked well for a while, but ultimately, I think this attitude has rotted my potential to develop new and meaningful, QUALITY, friendships. So, while I don't have to be best friends with everyone, I want to open myself up to the possibility of new relationships.

Keeping the quality over quantity concept in mind, I want to figure out what relationships I currently have that need attention. Or rather, what relationships do I want to foster and see flourish? This will not be a long list, but it will include people other than 'friends'. The list will include Kevin, Jordyn, my parents, my sister, and of course a handful of 'friends', some of whom with which I already have a close relationship and others with which I would like to see our relationship grow.

Once I've developed my "short list", I'll begin to develop a plan for cultivating those friendships. However, friendships are like flowers, so the cultivation for each is different. The steps I'll take to enhance my friendship with person A will be different than the steps I take to enhance my friendship with person B, and person C, and so on. And that's OK.

I think by purposefully becoming a much better friend to a short list of people, it will enable me to be a better person to a larger circle of friends. And who knows, in becoming a better person, it might put me on someone else's "short list".

That is, if I can fully recover from the drama and prove myself to be not too much of a Reject.

Drama Drama, go away, Heather would like to come out and play.

The Fall List - Progress

Back in September, the family put together a Fall Bucket List of sorts.

And, here we are, almost the end of October, and I'm happy to report that many of these items items have already been checked off the list. Such as:

Mom's List
* Oxford Football Game
* Go to the boys' soccer games
* Farmer's Market
Dad's List:
* Watch a Bucs game with out yelling
* Make Chili
Jordyn's List:
* Go pumpkin picking
* Go costume shopping
* Visit the Parsons' puppy
* Go to a corn maze
Liam's List:
* Score four goals in one soccer game
Owen's List:
* Make applesauce

There are a couple of things on the list that we are scheduled to do in the next couple of weeks:
* Go Ghosting (before Halloween)
* Costume party (Jordyn already went to one at a friend's house, and the boys will each have one at school)
* Go to a parade/Have a parade (not really sure what Owen was trying to say here, but they have a costume parade at school, so that counts in my book)
* Carve Pumpkins
* Burn Pumpkins (This was Owen's description for putting a candle in them as jack-o-lanterns)
* Go trick-or-treating (on Halloween)
* MSU Football Game(11/7 vs Western Michigan University, Family Tailgate)

A couple of things on the list that we WON'T be able to do:
* If the Tigers make it to the World Series, go to Detroit to walk around during one of the home games (Make it to the World Series??!!! How about make it to the PLAYOFFS??!!)
* Go to the Funky Fall Fest (not sure why I haven't seen anything on this yet, but it looks like the PTO has chopped this event this year, so sad)

And, a couple of things that I'm sure we'll get around to at some point before Fall 'leaves' us:
* Starbucks for Hot Chocolate / Hot Caramel Apple Cider
* Make Peanut Butter/Marshmallow toast
* Rent a scary movie around Halloween
* Make a Halloweeny dessert
* Make Halloween cookies
* Make Halloween decorations

As much as I'm excited about crossing more Fall Family Fun items off our list, I must say that I'm already looking forward to making our Winter Bucket List!! :)

It's more than just creating lists and checking things off, though. It's about creating lasting family memories and cultivating some traditions that will (hopefully) last for generations.

What...

...is outside my window: The house across the street being re-bricked for no apparent reason.

...I am thinking: I could really use some chapstick right now. (But, that thought crosses my mind about 16 times a day)

...I am thankful for: A healthy, loving family. And the DVR.

...I'm making for dinner: I don't make dinner, Kevin does. Tonight he made a delicious pork roast, green beans, potato fries, and crescent rolls.

...I'm wearing: Jordyn's jeans that I borrowed, a black tank top underneath a red thermal hooded shirt (a hand-me-down from Jordyn!)

...I had for lunch: Nee Nee and I went to Victoria's to have their Tuscan Lunch - unlimited soup (Pumpkin Bisque & White Bean Chicken Chili) & salad (with Bleu Cheese dressing). The company and the food was great!

...I'm creating: As many fall family fun memories for my kids as possible.

...I'm reading: Teacher Man by Frank McCourt

...I'm hoping for: Kevin to land a job before April 12, 2010. The sooner, the better.

...I'm hearing: The Angels celebrating their ALCS game 3 victory over the Spankees, I mean the Yankees.

...is happening around my house: The boys are getting ready for bed and Kevin is trying to fix the wireless internet connections on his and Jordyn's laptops. My connection is fine.

...is one of my favorite things: Cute new high heeled boots.

...are my plans for the weekend: Dinner date with Kevin on Friday (to celebrate our anniversary), Soccer games Saturday morning, BW3 after Soccer for lunch, Parsons' Halloween (but not really) party Saturday evening, Relax (hopefully scrapbook) on Sunday

10 things about me right now

I got this idea from Ali Edwards' blog and then saw that one of my top 5 bloggers, CZ, did the same thing. So, I decided to put myself out there and follow suit. (And yes, I, too, need to turn this into a scrapbook page soon.) Here goes...

10 things about me right now

1. I work from home every Monday and Friday, and sometimes, when it's a cold dreary day like today, working from home on a Wednesday just makes sense. Nothing beats working from home in your fuzzy slippers and cozy pajamas. Except, maybe, not having to work at all!

2. Yesterday I unexpectedly received a decent size royalty check for the one chapter that I helped co-author in the SAP book that was published earlier this year. While a pleasant thing to receive, Kevin and I disagree on whether to spend it responsibly or frivolously.

3. I have gone to bed by 10:00 pm most nights for the last several weeks, sometimes even turning in by 8:30 or 9:00. This behavior is completely out of character for me, a seasoned night owl.

4. I recently had the privilege of attending a program at Jordyn's middle school called Rachel's Challenge, which, among other things, was to start a chain reaction of kindness. Rachel was the first person shot and killed in the Columbine tragedy in 1999. At the age of 17, she had a tremendously kind soul whose life and story and challenge has now reached millions of people. I think of her message often.

5. Owen did not want to get up for school this morning, but not because he was stubborn, it was because he was exhausted. All day, every day kindergarten is really taking a toll on him. I wanted to let him sleep until his body told him to wake up, and then take him in to school late. Because, sometimes kids just need to sleep. But, Kevin woke him up and got him out the door on time.

6. My heart was full this morning as I witnessed yet another awesome big brother moment from Liam has he grabbed Owen's hand to hold as they jogged together down the road towards the bus stop. They didn't even realize that I was watching them out my home office window, and it makes me smile to see these private moments of brotherhood between them. Brothers forever, friends for life.

7. I'm frustrated and saddened by the economy, and as a result, Kevin's continued unemployment. However, I remind myself that financial troubles are but a speck in comparison with the tribulations that so many others face…tumors, hunger, divorce, death, war, depression, rebellion. I'll take a healthy, happy family over a paycheck any day.

8. All year I have been taking a picture a day documenting our daily life as part of Project 365. I have started to slip with my picture-taking - a day here and a day there - the last couple of weeks. I need to re-focus on this important project. When the year is over, I plan to print all of my photos and the corresponding journal entries (that I've logged in my Project 365 blog) to create a scrapbook album.

9. My dreams at night are plentiful and vivid. I just need to learn how to harness that energy during the day...to dream while I'm awake and to make those dreams come true.

10. I am 12 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. The idea of adding a baby into our house when I thought we had closed that chapter of our lives is pretty scary, to say the least. But, life would be incredibly boring with out a bit of adventure, and I do love roller coasters.